I’m sending the posh planner back.
Yup, the gorgeous striped beast that has been sat in a box waiting patiently to be wrapped for my birthday.
The one that I’ve wanted since *forever* and have not stopped going on about.
The thing is, I’d like to have the sort of life that the posh planner represents: I’d like things to be immaculate and beautifully presented all the time, but they’re just not.
I’d like to pop pretty pictures in it and photograph it for Instagram, but my organisation doesn’t work like that.
My little planner is always full of crossings-out, half-baked ideas, scribbled phone numbers and sketches.
It’s practical, scruffy and unassuming: in fact, it’s a lot like me.
I’ve been feeling a bit down on myself recently for not being the sort of person I wish I were.
I’ve turned down exciting offers and felt overwhelmed by the simplest of things and it’s all left me feeling a bit disappointed in myself.
But deep down, I know that I am who I am.
I’m the free printables girl. I’m the ‘make it out of cheese wrappers’ lass. I’m the layout-recycling bird and that’s all okay.
I think it’s tempting to question our chosen path when we see others soaring through their lives and achieving great things.
I question my choice of living small, spending my days filled with keeping house and quiet pursuits.
I wonder where this lack of ambition could possibly take me and forget that there’s beauty in quietness and that freedom is the most valuable gift.
I beat myself up that I’m not able to offer more at church; that I’m out of my depth so quickly with even the shortest social interaction.
I wonder why everyone else seems to find it all so easy.
But I am what I am and you are what you are.
We are what we are and the trick is to look at who we’ve been made to be and see how even those simple ‘loaves and fishes’ offerings can be used by God.
I’m starting to ask how I can stay that scruffy little planner, but still be beautiful and useful.
I’m wondering whether what I bring to the party – a smile of welcome, a hug, a kind word – isn’t more than enough and everything that’s being asked of me right now.